Why self-Compassion Is Hardest When We Need It Most

It’s felt like a challenging start to the year for a lot of the coaches I’ve been talking with lately. And if I’m honest, I feel it too.

Low energy. Uncertainty. That familiar pull towards noticing what isn’t quite working, rather than taking in everything that actually is. The weather probably isn’t helping, but I sense there’s more going on than just dark mornings and cold days.

Most coaches are exceptionally skilled at offering compassion, perspective and psychological safety to their clients. It’s central to the work. We’ve practised it, refined it, embodied it — for others. And yet, when business feels wobbly, momentum slows, or those quiet comparisons with everyone else out there start creeping in, that same compassion can be surprisingly hard to extend to ourselves.

This isn’t a personal failing. It’s part of the territory.

We are the instrument. Much of this work is done alone. And when uncertainty shows up, our nervous systems quite naturally move into protection mode. The inner critic gets louder. Self-kindness slips quietly out of reach.

It often appears in small, familiar ways:

• second-guessing ourselves

• over-delivering and under-charging to prove our worth

• hesitating before asking the braver question

• taking on more than we really should

• letting self-criticism take up far too much valuable space

The paradox is that this kind of self-pressure — which can feel like commitment or professionalism — actually reduces our capacity. It narrows our presence. It makes the work heavier than it needs to be.

I’m becoming increasingly aware that what helps most isn’t “trying harder”. It’s having spaces where coaches can think out loud. Where they’re met with warmth rather than evaluation. Where they can reflect honestly on their practice and the business of coaching, without judgement.

If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to carry it on your own.

This awareness is what sits behind the work I do in supervision, and the spaces I co-create with others. Alongside Kelly Drewery, I’ve been developing The Supervision Circle — a place grounded in five core principles: Compassion, Coherence, Congruence, Confidence and Competence. Lately, my attention has been drawn again and again to that first “C”: self-compassion, and how easily it slips away precisely when we need it most.

Supervision, at its best, isn’t about fixing or performing. It’s about coming back to ourselves — with honesty, curiosity and a little more kindness — so we can meet our clients from a fuller, steadier place.

That feels especially important right now.